So What About The Future?

Everyday I always tell myself that I’m destined for something great. That I’ve been given so much that I just have to make something of myself. With every success story I hear of other’s unexpected success in whatever they are doing, or love to do, I tend to wonder about my own big break. Will it ever come, when will it come, what must be done to make it work? What would I make it big doing? Too many questions to answer with no real leads to a plausible answer.

When I last read Steve Jobs speech in 2005 for the Stanford graduates, it struck me a lot when he said that you can never connect the dots going forward, but it will be so clear looking back. I can clearly see right now how every tragedy in my past has shaped me to be where I am now and who I am now. What I struggle to see is where I am going from here.

Its no secret that I’ve been in a crossroads the whole year since my deviations from the path I was on. As much as I know it’s a passing phase, I cant help but feel demotivated and deflated a lot. Am I in the right job? The right company? With the right people? have I ruined my career? Have I lost my chance to claim my destiny? Thoughts that I dare not answer.

It sometimes confuses me how for some reason, even if I am so obsessed with being someone, I tend not to be motivated enough still, to really give it everything I’ve got. It means everything to me, but it still doesn’t push me enough to go through extreme lengths to get it done. Perhaps my belief of money and success being worldly pleasures and irrelevant to a man’s survival, seems to contradict that which I strive for. I already know and believe that everything there is to be accomplished in this world is born from a state of mind where we’ve become dependent on worldy affirmation and approval, yet another side of me still strives to claim that success just to prove a point. Regardless of the winning point of view, I’m still left baffled and stagnant.

pepe cervero

Parts of A Past Life

Never a good thing to be immobilized by an annoying fever… especially if it’s a long weekend where I could be doing one of a million different things. I got thinking about all the things I’m not doing anymore and made a list:

1. Playing football
2. Playing the guitar
3. Playing in the band
4. Writing songs
5. Writing poems
6. Writing on my blog
7. Breakdancing? Well that was a hell of a long time ago and no one would believe it.haha
8. Badminton
9. Billiards
10. Playing basketball
11. Going to the gym
12. I don’t go shopping anymore… mostly cuz I only buy my own brand now.

I think that’s a long enough list for me to feel bad. Should really try to get some of that tuff back on my daily schedule.

I’m sure I can squeeze in at least half of these into my current routine. But I’m hoping that blogging will be one of the sure bets. But football will have to be a sure hit too since UFL is now a proper pro league. Would definitely wanna be a pro footballer.haha Never thought that could happen in this country but doors seem to have opened. Now I just need my knees repaired.

Barely Surviving

I’ve had a lot of time to think about a lot of things these past few days. Sometimes I wonder if thinking about things is really the best thing for me to do. Often when do so, I tend to think things forward a lot and anticipate several scenarios that may or may not come true, an I respond to these scenarios before they have a chance to occur. Whether or not I saw things correctly and responded the right way, I could never really know. One thing’s for sure, what I have not mastered, is that art of deciding and forgetting. Could never take action without wondering if I’ve done the right thing or if things could’ve been better otherwise.

This has definitely not been a good year for me. 3 car accidents, countless job applications declined, a stagnating career, losing in the stock market, lost a football team, lost a best friend and broke my heart twice already. A true test of character this is. I sometimes wonder if my recent decision will lead to my long term emotional well being.

I really like Maita… on some days maybe much much more. We get along in ways apart from what I’ve been used to with Mich. She makes me feel alive, young and light. She always seems to know when im bothered, troubled, in deep thought or sad and always seems to tug on the right notes to make things better. I could really see myself spending a lot of time with her, and having a more than fruitful relationship for a long time. But for whatever reason, it doesn’t feel as though she is, The One. The one I will end up with, the one I will spend the rest of my life with and grow old with. Raise a family with and entrust to help bring up my children according to my standards and specifications.haha I don’t know… I may be wrong, or it may be too soon to tell. But I would be pretty hesitant to put my heart on the line again for a shot I’m not too sure of. I’d much rather have her as a good friend forever, than have all of her for only a moment and lose her forever. Halloween and Christmas are shaping up to be very difficult. I’m looking forward to the end of this year and hoping that next year is going to be much better for me.

Pepe Cervero

Respite

So its almost my 24^th birthday and too much has happened in the past year than I can really make sense of. I’ve gone form bad to worse to highs and lows and everyday is so unpredictable that I dare not try to look more than 3 months ahead.

Things have changed so much that I don’t even recognize the life I’m currently living. I don’t know if I’ve made all the right choices these past few months or if things were better the way they were and it has not been easy for me at all. Everyday I wonder if things were better the way they were, or if my choices to change paths were an intervention of bad energies trying to screw with my life, or if they were a nudge toward a greater plan. One thing’s for sure, I’m still in the dark about what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to feel or think, or what’s going to happen next.

We can never truly see how our choices will affect the near or far future. There are too many variables that are unforeseen, and the fact that every other person has the ability to make independent choices as well, can always cause them to make one or two decisions that could mess with the formula.

I have always thought all my choices through. I’m never impulsive nor do I rush into anything. I trust in myself enough to know what I want and what I need, and that every one of my choices, have their bases and reasons. All I really ask is that I don’t lose the strength and faith, to see my decisions through, not for the sake of vindication, but for whatever is best for everyone in my life.

Pepe Cervero

When All Hope Is Lost

Last night was just one of those crappy nights where all you could do is just bask in your own misery... So annoying! Despite my best efforts to forget all the things that are bringing me much grief lately, I can’t seem to shake off the demons very well. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad and hurt to see beach pictures before, but I guess I could only expect things to get worse come the following weeks. Except maybe some pictures from Camsur from another time in the past. This will all be nothing compared to what’s to come I’m sure and nothing can prepare me for it.

Ended up waking up at 5am today dreaming about things finally working out somehow. But a dream it will seem to stay, and that is quite clear. I caught myself thinking of doing something pretty rash again, and just before I could really get into my plans, my thoughts start to interfere. The sad thing is, I feel as though I have no real friends left cuz I’ve been abandoned by the 2 closest to me, and I don’t know who else I can trust or run to. Everyone else seems to tolerate, accept or support what’s going on. Am I such a monster that no one seems to be on my side? It’s as if my world had either collapsed in on itself, or has gone on without me and found someone else to live out my part in it, leaving me to find another life.

It pains me to think that maybe because people think im strong, or people think im smart, or people think I know better, that people are also less sensitive or less concerned about how I feel because they think I can just get over anything. Is that fair? I try to be nice, and I try to be strong, and I’m rewarded with more pain and more disappointment. Isn’t it supposed to be lessened? Isn’t that the whole point? Maybe if I was rash, or if I was violent, or if I was suicidal, or crazy or unstable, that people would just leave me be and try not to hurt me. Just like how a mother of a special child takes extra care of her son. Am I damned to eternal hurt and unfairness because I choose to try to be mature? What an irony. I thought I just lost 2 friends and the love of my life, seems that the rest of me that was left was left smashed as well…

Pepe Cervero

10 Days After and 20 Musicians I Can't Be Listening to

10 days on after things turned sour and things haven’t exactly gotten any easier. As much as I try to distract myself from thinking about her and what she’s done to me, I still can’t stop thinking about them and everything we used to do together being done with someone else.

As it seems, my time alone this weekend has somewhat regressed my progress away from this shit hole. It feels as though, much of my world, has collapsed upon itself, leaving only the bare essentials just barely safe. At this point, I’m no different from the people hit in Japan a few weeks ago. Except my tragedy is not of the physical and material kind, yet bares just as much pain, and just as much grief.

Amidst all this, I can’t even seem to listen to much of the music I used to enjoy because of the memories they invoke. I now know that I can’t be listening to these artists now… sucks!

1. Phoenix
2. SOTC
3. John Legend
4. John Mayer
5. The Script
6. Robin Thicke
7. The Temper Trap
8. Katy Perry
9. Maroon 5
10. Far Eastern Movement
11. Kaskade
12. LMFAO
13. Deathcab for Cutie
14. Up Dharma Down
15. Sinosikat
16. Armin Van Buuren
17. Urbandub
18. Arctic Monkeys
19. David Guetta
20. One Republic

** And various hiphop tracks that remind me of Fuel bar.

I don’t think its gonna help my situation either that I won’t have very much money to spend for the next few months given the debts that I must settle. It’s gonna be a hard few weeks…

Pepe Cervero

Real Ghosts Hurt More Than They Haunt

I was thinking of buying chocolates today to help me feel better, but I kinda went the opposite way when saw Kitkat White… I remember about 2-3 years ago, Kitkat White was our comfort food. It was always around the car, the house and any instance of disappointment merited a bar.

Its just been a chain of endless reminders of old times gone. From the chocolates, to old greeting cards, thoughts of Persian food, a radio ad of The Script’s concert in April and some old pictures from Aquatico that I’ve been trying to bring myself to delete for a few days now but seem to’ve rendered opened and untouched.

I realized this morning that nowhere and nothing that I will do with someone else, can ever be without remembering someone since 3.5 years is a lot of time to use up every possible activity, food and place to go in this tiny piece of land called Manila. I’ve never considered moving to a new city so strongly until today.

Looking at my room this morning, I’m pretty torn between a lot of things. On the one hand, there’re the things that I’m itching to burn in anger! I just can’t bring myself to burn clothes that I could still use. Then there are the things that I stare at while contemplating on discarding them. Until I realized that I’ve been staring and looking back at the same things since Friday and until now, have not yet touched, moved or thrown them. Just today I saw a tattoo of stars and lost it completely. The effects of my short lived weekend seem to be wearing thin again. I need to find a way to survive until the coming one… Everyday is a struggle, and today, I’m just not winning…

Pepe Cervero

Top 40 Places I Can No Longer Go

I’ve only just realized, that there is quite a lot of places I shan’t be going to for a while or if ever at all. Too many places remind of too many things. If I were to put it down in a list of top 40 places I can no longer go, it would look something like this I guess:

1. Texas Grill
2. Persia Grill
3. Ziggurt
4. A. Venue
5. Astoria Plaza
6. Sta. Mesa
7. SM Center point
8. Aquatico
9. Sonya’s Cupcakes
10. Zambales
11. CWC
12. Lago De Oro
13. Boracay
14. Spicy Fingers
15. Pho Hoa
16. My Thai
17. Distillery
18. BF Paranaque
19. Pepper Lunch
20. Power Plant
21. Mall of Asia
22. Cuenca
23. Coffee Bean
24. Le Souk
25. Resorts World
26. The Ramp in Glorietta
27. The Barbeque place in Moonwalk
28. The Nomads Field
29. Various parts of Merville
30. Hyundai Fort
31. Mini Fort
32. Kebab Factory
33. Shangri-la Mall
34. Assumption San Lorenzo
35. Transound
36. Daet
37. Raffy’s Gym
38. Club Manila East
39. Forever 21
40. Tyler

Seems to be quite a few places. I just couldn't add several places in Makati since they just aren't avoidable. I mean can anyone really stay away from SM and Glorietta right? Looks like i'm gonna be stuck home for a while...